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Editor's Note: This blog was well received on my author page so I decided to share it here as well. Hope you enjoy it!
As living and breathing human beings, we have all heard about codependency. Normally we associate this mental disorder with alcoholics, however most of us are not aware that it is also PTSD's evil bedmate.
As an author that researches and writes about Combat PTSD, let's just say I keep my eye on many social media groups that are dedicated to PTSD and support the caregivers. Sadly, I am noticing a trend in the postings of the members. Time after time, I'm seeing the wives of Combat Veterans complaining about how their Vet is "ruining their lives".
This is where codependency comes in. You see, codependency isn't just a catch-phrase that relates to the partners of alcoholics and addicts. Codependency is also a real-life mental disorder that is found not only in the family members of substance abusers but it is also prevalent in the caregivers of sick people: with both mental and/or physical illnesses.
What is codependency?
To define codependency, let's look at what the experts say. In her world-renowned books "Codependent No More" author and former addict Melody Beattie says that codependency is like a relationship addiction. Like a substance, we are addicted to something that is bad for us. In this case, it is a relationship.
The parallel between codependency and Combat PTSD is very strong. Our Veteran is sick. Our Veteran needs help. Our Veteran is "ruining our lives".
Or is he?
The hardest thing for most of the partners of Combat Vets to swallow is that they, too, have a hand in their Veteran's behavior. It's not that we "allow" the behavior consciously. It's more that we attempt to control it.
We make sure the house is "squared away" so we don't have to hear his wrath. Even if we just worked 10 hours and we are exhausted. We cut the grass while he plays "Call of Duty" just so we don't have to be called "lazy" again. We basically walk on eggshells at all times.
It's freaking exhausting.
We think we are helping but we really are not. We are ALLOWING (trying to control) him to (NOT) be a bully. We are ALLOWING (trying to control) him to (NOT) be lazy. Worst of all, we are ALLOWING (trying to control) ourselves to (NOT) be treated like shit. We are ADDICTED to a relationship that has few, if any, positive moments. Yet, we get on Facebook and say "HE IS RUINING MY LIFE"!
Who's ruining your life, again?
The person that allows herself to be called names. The person who allows him to manically spend all of the money. The person that bought the case of beer at the grocery store even though he's on medication. The person that found the condom in the pocket, the lipstick on the collar and the sexts in the cell phone.
Who is that person?
It's you, isn't it?
Yet, like most human beings, we cannot accept our responsibility in this because we ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. We are standing by our man. We are making sure that dinner is made and little butts are clean. We are being THE GOOD WIFE or THE GOOD GIRLFRIEND.
However, just like our Warrior's PTSD doesn't allow him to believe that being in a "safe zone" is actually safe, our codependency doesn't allow us to believe that WE NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES. The PTSD has told the codependency to make sure that we are just as weak as our Warrior.
By the time they're both done with the two of us, there's nothing left.
So we fight. So we divorce. So we get on Facebook and rant and look for a shoulder to cry on. And we find it. There's other wives. Other girlfriends. Other people that know our story all too well. They'll lend a sympathetic ear and pat on the back.
They don't know what I know though.
They don't know that had we taken the appropriate steps to kill our codependency (or at least get it to a dull roar) that our relationships might have survived this collusion of evil. They don't know that we need to address this illness in ourselves like we would as an addict in a meeting in order to beat it.
My name is Leilani. I am a codependent.