Codependency, PTSD & ME! (Part 2) EXPLANATIONS IN THE REAL WORLD
After authoring the 1st part of this blog entry, I came to a realization. I realized that the ability for one to recognize the symptoms of codependency in one's self is difficult, at best. Often, we can read about the symptoms yet we have problems applying them to "real life scenarios". Or even if we do recognize, we have a tendency to not want to believe the writing on the wall and say "it isn't me".
In my book, "Warrior Lush: The Battle with Combat PTSD Addiction" I took an explanation of symptoms from the U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs about PTSD and substance abuse and was able to put them in "real people speak". The reason that I did this is that sometimes the explanations that are given by the experts are not that clear or easy to see and hard to apply in "real life". Having said this, I think that for us to move forward in our fight against codependency, we need to have a better understanding of what it is and how it applies to your life.
According to the website psychcentral.com, the following are symptoms of codependency and the following "EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD" are from yours truly:
Low Self-Esteem
Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You do A LOT of things to make sure that you don't hear the wrath of your partner and try to be perfect in every way. EVERY time you hear a negative comment, you really take it to heart. Your fragile self-esteem becomes even more compromised and you feel worse and worse. However, this isn't the face that you put out to the world. You have a tendency to get on the phone or on Facebook and talk about what a jerk your significant other is. You say things like "I deserve better than this", however, you truly don't believe that. If you did, then you wouldn't be in the situation that you are in to begin with.
People Pleasing
It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You feel unlovable so you go out of your way to be perfect - even if it costs you all the energy that you have left. So you do things that you know that you shouldn't and you overcompensate for your feelings of inadequacy. You come across as the best housekeeper, the perfect cook and the best Mom. However, inside you are dying and feel like you are at the end of your rope. You are a people-pleaser to the max extent. You do not know how to say no - especially when it comes to being treated like crap. Instead of putting your hand up and STOPPING the negative behaviors towards you, you do things to try to make others happy. At the expense of yourself. At the expense of the kids. You DO NOT know when to say "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
Poor Boundaries
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You KNOW that you shouldn't buy your Warrior that alcohol because it can react with the medications that he (or she) is on, but you do it anyway because you don't want to hear him (or her) bitch. You have your schedule planned but you drop whatever you need to do because Mr. Smiley Face asks (or demands) that you do something else. Because you don't know what boundaries are, you often feel exhausted and don't know why. You don't realize that you have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to tell someone that you're not doing something. You don't know how to say no, much less know how to stick up for yourself. You feel like a doormat - and with good reason. The Combat boots that were made for walking are walking all over you.
Reactivity
A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You have a hard time processing your own thoughts. You are a mirror of what your Warrior is thinking. His (or her) word is the gospel and you are afraid to disagree even if you know that you are right. You live your life how you are told to and not how you really think you should live it. When he (or she) tells you that you need to lose weight, you go on a diet - even if you're only a size 4. You feel that every action needs a REACTION - even if the original premise was dumb to begin with. You do not know how to ignore someone.
Caretaking
Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You are "Captain Save-A-Ho". When something happens that's negative, you try to fix it. You try to fix relationships between your Warrior and the kids. You try to fix relationships between your Warrior and his side of the family. You might also be tempted to do things that you know you shouldn't - like call your Warrior's boss and make excuses for why he didn't show up for work when you know that the only thing he's suffering from is the "brown bottle flu". Since Combat PTSD and substance abuse are intertwined, you are probably caretaking on both levels and making excuses for not only the PTSD but also the substance abuse. You might be behind on the mortgage, the car payment and the water bill due to his (or her) irresponsibility, however you are making excuses for him (or her) even though it is not in your best interest to do so. People that have no negative consequences have a hard time changing. You don't realize that this is ENABLING behavior - not a proud and noble act like you want to tell yourself that it is.
Control
Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You bend over backwards to try and have some sort of control. You might take on extra chores that your Warrior should be doing because you want to CONTROL his (or her) negative behaviors. By going out of your way to avoid chaos, you're not being a helpful camper - you're being a controlling and passive/aggressive doormat. You might be doing things "in his (or her) best interest" like hiding the debit card so he can't go to the store to buy more beer, but in all reality you are trying to control another human being. You don't realize that 90% of your behaviors are an effort to CONTROL the dysfunction in your home. You tell yourself that you are DOING THE RIGHT THING because in a "normal" relationship, you would be. However, your relationship is not "normal". You are in a relationship with someone who is wounded and you are wounded too. You just don't know it yet.
Dysfunctional communication
Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You are afraid to open your pie hole. You might have just worked a 12 hour day and are exhausted as hell, but when your Warrior asks you to go cut the grass, you smile sweetly and then go do it. You are afraid to voice your opinions and are always "on stage" in front of your Warrior. You are the lead actor of your own play called "Codependency Blues". While you are seething inside, you are too afraid to open your mouth and JUST SAY NO! You might be drowning in debt due to the spending habits that PTSD can create and you don't say a word. You don't know how to have "real talk" because "real talk" is painful.
Obsessions
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You think about your Warrior 24/7. You are always concerned for his (or her) welfare. You can't even enjoy a lunch date with your friends because you are obsessed with what your Warrior is doing. You feel like you are living with a newborn - that smokes, drinks and swears. You don't trust your Warrior to be by himself for too long because you aren't sure what you will come home to. This is another form of control and probably the most compelling one to get yourself some help.
Dependency
Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You fear abandonment. That's part of the reason that you stay when he comes home and calls you names, yells at the kids and kicks the dog. Your self-esteem is so low that you make up 1039183927 reasons why you should stay. You love the way that YOU lie. You make up all kinds of excuses why his (or her) behavior is acceptable even though you know it isn't. Sadly, you become dependent on the dysfunction that's in your home and it becomes so ingrained in your head that you have given it permanent residency that's rent free. However, you feel like if you end it, you will have nothing left. You don't realize that you really don't have much to begin with.
Denial
One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You cannot accept that you have hand in their behavior. When you allow (try to control) him or her by being sweet even when you feel like screaming, you don't acknowledge that you have a problem too. Normal, EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY people do not stick around to be either emotionally or physically abused or both. Normal, EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY people set boundaries and LEAVE when the relationship turns from happy to Hell. Not you though, you're gonna throw on your cape and turn yourself into (yep, you guessed it) CAPTAIN SAVE-A-HO! You are denying the painful reality that is your life.
Problems with intimacy
By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You're a hell of a good actress (or actor) and you appear to be this nurturing and loving person on the outside but in all reality, you have ZERO ability to express your emotions. You often disguise your lack of ability to express emotions by doing "acts of service" for your loved ones. However, in your confusion and codependency, you don't realize that cooking gourmet meals is not a substitute for expressing your emotions. You might also find that having a glass of wine or three has a tendency to make you turn on the waterworks. Like Edward Norton's character in "Fight Club" who needs the support groups to allow him to sleep, you need the aid of a few drinkie-drinks to be able to cry. You are so used to holding your emotions in because of your codependency, that you truly do need some liquid aid in expressing any feelings at all. In a drunken stupor, you will let it all out like a teapot blowing off steam. Until the next time you drink. You are on a constant cycle of heating up and then boiling over.
Painful emotions
Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.
EXPLANATION IN THE REAL WORLD: You have a tendency to be afraid of your emotions. You know that you have them somewhere. You might even bitch to your girlfriends about your Warrior but that is about the only emotion that you allow yourself to feel - anger. The more productive emotions that help by expression like fear and sorrow are so deeply buried that they rarely come out. You take those feelings and you hide them. You, too, are numb like your Warrior. However, you are pretty good at denying that too. You have partially turned into the person that you complain about.
Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios? Are you a little teapot too? I'm betting that you can relate - that's why you're reading this in the first place. However scary as this may be, I'm here to tell you that there is ability for you to get help and save yourself from this disorder.
You see, I too, had problems with all of these things. I was a codependent from hell. I did EVERYTHING I could to CONTROL a prior relationship that was with an end-stage alcoholic. I didn't realize that I was an addict too. I was a "relationship addict" and I proved it time and time again - much to the horror of my family and friends. I was dating someone that was the most suicidal person that I have ever seen. Mind you, I live with a Combat Vet and even he, in his worst days of PTSD doesn't hold a candle to the suicidal tendencies of the addict. Having said this, I want you to know that I UNDERSTAND what you are going through. I've been there. Done that. I even have the months of counseling and the emotional scars to prove it.
Moving forward (because YES we CAN move forward in all of this) the best way to help yourself is to quit denying and start doing. Seek counseling and start setting your boundaries. Like Combat PTSD, codependency is a lifelong mental disorder. Although unwelcome, there's plenty of help out there. Buy the books. See a therapist. There's plenty that you can do. Yes, it is LIFELONG (how do you think I ended up with a wounded Combat Vet?) but it is treatable. Sure this seems intimidating as hell - and it is. However, with appropriate measures it can be tamed to a dull roar and not be an unwelcome and howling presence in your life.
My name is Leilani. I am a codependent.
