The Monster Inside of My Head

Dear Battle Buddies,  

I want to write a very open letter to you about what I am going through. I call you “Battle Buddies” because if you’re reading this, I know that you care to join my fight against Veteran Suicide and PTSD. 

I want to be very clear on a few things. 

First off, I want you to KNOW what PTSD is. It’s a mental disorder, no doubt. But it’s also a state of mind.

What I mean by saying this is that it’s not something you JUST RUN from. 

Wherever I go, is where I will be. 

Millions of Combat Vets can attest to this. Like Michael, they acquired the PTSD monster in Iraq and Afghanistan or Vietnam or in Europe. They didn’t get it at home. 

It followed Michael from Fallujah to Michigan. 

Maybe if you understood this, you wouldn’t try to pressure me into leaving my home. You see, having PTSD isn’t situational specific. I CANNOT leave my home and leave the monster under my bed. 

Sure, I found Michael here. I get that. However, Michael’s death is with me EVERYWHERE. At work. In the car. At the counselor’s office. While I’m getting my nails done. You CANNOT just UN-REMEMBER someone you loved. 

I’m not a sociopath. 

While I’m at it, let’s talk about triggers. Stress and pressure are triggers. Getting yelled at by a customer = TRIGGERED. Getting reprimanded at work = TRIGGERED. Being told that “it’s not healthy for me to be in my home” = TRIGGERED. And no, I don’t want to be like this. Who would? 

However, I CANNOT control what triggers me. 

Today at my trauma counseling session, we talked about what being TRIGGERED feels like. It is the MOST CONFUSING, BEFUDDLING feeling in the world. You feel like you want to throat punch someone and run away at the same time. Your fight AND flight instincts are going off at the same time. 

This is what PTSD does to you. 

So while I appreciate everyone’s efforts in trying to figure out WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, let’s just suffice it to say, you NEVER WILL. You just won’t GET IT. Unless you’ve gone through something like I did. Like Michael did. 

I hope and pray that you never do. 

My name is Leilani. My name is Lisa. I used to be a Warrior Lover. I now am a Warrior Widow. The MONSTER is now inside of my head.