I’m NOT Friends with the MONSTER that’s Inside of My Head

I’m friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're tryin' to save me, stop holdin' your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're tryin' to save me, stop holdin' your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy Well, that's nothin' (Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) (Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) Well, that's nothin' (Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) (Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) 

Tonight my biggest fear came true. I had a flashback of finding Michael dead while driving home from work. I won’t gross you out with the grisly details but let’s just say, it was THE SAME EXACT encounter I had on March 28. 

And I felt the same fear and shock.

I reached out to my wonderful network of “Battle Buddies” when I got home and it has been confirmed. It was a true PTSD related episode. 

FML. 

I quoted the Rihanna/Eminem song at the top for a reason. Because this was my theme song about Michael’s PTSD. 

You see, I knew I was living with a MONSTER that was under our bed, but I was “friends” with him as long as Michael’s PTSD was kept to a dull roar. 

And yes, my friends thought I was crazy for putting up with some of his antics. 

But I LOVED HIM. 

I also knew that anybody who has ever experienced PTSD firsthand would understand HOW and WHY those of us that live with and love a sufferer have a higher tolerance for aforementioned antics. 

We KNOW It isn’t them talking. 

I used to tell Michael “Put your PTSD monster back in his cage and come talk to me like a real person.” 

He would look at me and shake his head and a smile would form over his face. 

We BOTH knew that there was a MONSTER living under our bed and we BOTH knew that it wasn’t always Michael talking. 

Sadly, those days of clarity got less and less.  But I stayed anyways. 

I had a hope. A dream. A BELIEF that the MONSTER that was under our bed would tire of us and set his sights elsewhere. 

I listened to Les Brown a lot. 

I would listen to Les and try to impart his wisdom on Michael. I would text Michael images of quotes from Les to inspire him to FIGHT THIS MONSTER. 

Sadly, my efforts did not work. 

However, through my “friendship” with the MONSTER, I learned one very important lesson. 

Don’t turn your back on the enemy. 

Today, the MONSTER has surfaced once again. He used to have his heart set on devouring a certain Combat Vet. He got his desire. Apparently his hunger has set on a new target. 

She’s tall and blonde and has a penchant for furry things (like bunnies), good food and writing. 

To paraphrase Charles Bukowski:

THE MONSTER HAS COME FOR ME AND I DO NOT CARE.

My name is Leilani. My name is Lisa. I used to be a Warrior Lover. I now am a Warrior Widow. The PTSD Monster WILL be kicked out from under my bed and outta my head.